It always seems to be this time of year where another layer .... a deeper layer of what needs to be healed presents itself. Not going to lie - it can feel exhausting and overwhelming. In this season I am in, my most deepest wounds and fears have surfaced. Yaaaay, lol! The truth is they have always been there, but buried deep under all the other muck that isn't so heavy. Makes sense right, that the heaviest and most painful wounds would remain hidden and buried below the surface.
Our body does such a beautiful job at holding us. At storing what we avoid and are not ready to look at. Well, I recently was given a mirror. This time, the mirror was not cracked, scratched, foggy, dirty, it was so clear that for once I could really see myself. And what I saw was the littlest version of me that yearns for love. That yearns to be seen, cared for, and understood. She has traveled through this lifetime clinging and grasping at those that initially shower her with attention offering her an illusion of safety and security when in fact, it is not safety and security but rather a familiarity.
A familiarity of her childhood.
I started therapy again this week. After a break to navigate writing and publishing my book (Permission Granted), getting acclimated in my new house, adjusting to the separation and pending divorce, and add in all the other responsibilities of a single mom in this era. Healing is a beautiful thing but for me, addressing new things when already 'flooded' will burnout my system and put me in shutdown. I have done enough work to know my limits and when a break and pause is necessary.
This week with my therapist, it revealed how even though I have healed some of my anxious attachment, gosh it runs so much deeper. We accessed my subcortical brain, and went back to little Candice when her first caregiver abandoned her. Then onto the next, and the next, and finally the last. We then navigated my intimate relationships (yes, all of them - gulp) and looked at those from the angle of my attachment style and just got curious noticing my pattern.
My pattern revealed that I attract and grow fond of those with an avodiant attachment style. Why? Becuase avoidants are emotionally unavailable and that is what is familiar. You see your subconscious will always look and attune to the familiar. That is why self--awareness and this work is so important. I have been telling myself for years that, "I am too much" "I am too needy" and that "I am not enough" because the abandonment and rejection I experienced. When in reality none of it ever had anything to do with me, but, instead the capacity and emotional availability of others around me.
Ahhhhh man - it is so healing just understanding that bit. To be able to shift my thoughts and perspectives around that piece right there is going to change the trajectory in how I view, navigate, and accept relationships. We always say "it is never personal" but when you have a deep-seated belief it is hard to convince yourself otherwise especially when the subconscious is constantly seeking out what it 'knows'. And that is why the rewiring and reprograming is so important. I do this work with my clients, but even Coaches/Therapists/Healers need our own support system to help us navigate life. As much as I can carry myself, I need someone to capture my blindspots and to take me deeper.
As we moved through the session I realized my current state of sitting at home while desiring connection. You see connection, to old versions of me meant doing things that I would later regret and carry shame around. I think that is also why I allowed myself to gain all the weight. I wore that as my shield ... my protection. My experience was when I looked my best I was desirable and attracted ill-intentioned men. I would be so grateful for the attention and also niave I allowed my anxious attachment to sit in the drivers seat. So I began to believe that if I looked my worst, I was safe.
I was safe from being targeted.
I was safe from being desired.
I was safe from making poor choices.
In this season though, this new era I am in where I have healed so much. I know that no longer exists. Having lost all the weight, yes I am feeling more confident. But also, my self-respect is at an all time high. But that doesn't take away my fear. My fear of falling into old thoughts, actions, and behaviors. And that is why I stay home. That is what feels safe for me in this now moment.
My therapist has assigned me some 'fun' things to do over the next two weeks until we meet again. Data collection - which is right up my alley lol. So over these next two weeks I will stay home when I feel like that will nourish me. And when I don't want to go out because _________ (fill in the blanks), that is when I am actually to go out and explore.
This is about building safety in the body.
This is about becoming rooted in my knowing.
Collecting evidence that I am no longer those old versions of self that made poor choices.
That not all men who approach me have an agenda or an ulterior motive.
That I can move with self-trust over self-doubt.
That my personal power is greater than my fear.
This feels scary, not going to lie. And also, I am ready to make friends. Build connections in the community. Put myself out there. Move with my intuition because it doesn't steer me wrong.
So cheers to this season.
This era.
Cheers to diving deep into rewiring and reprograming my brain so I can use discernment moving forward in friendships and intimate relationships.
Cheers to the self-awareness I now have in that I am never too much for the right company.
Cheers to the compassion and grace I have for those that project their pain as it has allowed me to develop a deeper self-awareness and heal.
Cheers to doing the effing work, not all of us will.
Finally - cheers to you all for your constant support. For allowing me to show up vulnerably, transparently, and honestly without fearing judgment. I am never perfect but accountable, I am.
Keep following along as I will be sharing this new season and era with you all.
If you are curious about your attachment style (I am not affiliated) I highly encourage you to take this quiz. Self-awareness is the first step to change. Take the quiz here.
If you would like to schedule a consult to see what it could look like starting your healing journey, you can do so here.
I wish you all the best in this season and era you are in,
xx Candice
P.S. If you haven't read my book, here is an audio sample. Audiobook coming soon!
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