Blog: Candice West
Who loves a good fairytale?
When I was a little girl, fairytales had me excited about growing up and getting married.
Handsome, charming boy comes in and rescues a girl, sweeping her off her feet. They live happily every after. The end!
Yep! Sign me up!
Growing up in a single-parent home, I never really got to experience or witness a marriage.
Because of this, I think that I held onto the love stories often captured in fairytales as a glimmer into what I thought or hoped relationships would look and feel like.
My mom worked a lot, and I became what felt like the caregiver in the house. There were 6 of us kids. School, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bank runs, homework, repeat …. not too long after I also had a job bussing tables at the local restaurants my mom worked at.
Fast forward to my junior year in high school (now living with my Dad and Stepmom) where I met my boyfriend. He sure did fit all the criteria just as I saw in the movies ….. handsome, funny, sweet, caring, charming, showered me in gifts (Oreos, Subway, Friday date nights and Wendy’s) …. and he came in and rescued me just like in the movies, from the dysfunction and emotional turmoil I experience living as a child of an alcoholic.
He was exactly who I needed!!
He was my own Prince Charming!
We were so in-love. Hahah oh my younger self.
Looking back, I realized I was looking for someone to *save me*. To rescue me and make me feel valued, loved, special …. Cue allll the words.
What's the cost of believing relationships can save you?
Mine was heartache, immense pain, losing myself, and divorce.
Single-mom and working (sound familiar) …
I was now met with new challenges as I tried to navigate single-mommin while also trying to learn who I was outside of playing house wife.
You see, my beliefs developed early on in childhood that I have only recently discovered is that, ‘I don’t matter’.
I remember several male influences growing up during my childhood, leave. At that young age, this led me to believe something was wrong with me.
I was the problem.
I was too mouthy.
I asked too many questions.
I was too loud.
Regardless, it left me with the feeling of abandonment. Although at the time I didn’t realize it.
…. Cycles repeat themselves until we are willing to face the music per se.
But, in my defense I felt like someone forgot to give me the sheet music.
Oh Candice, lol.
After my divorce I searched … and I mean searched … for love; although, I thought I was just living out my life air pumping my fists to Journey, as my daughter and I did our best to enjoy this new life together.
Deep down, I was again, waiting for Prince Charming to come rescue me from the pain I felt from now being (what felt like) abandoned from my ex.
I don’t matter reinforced yet again. My conclusion: all men leave me. The cycle continues.
All men leave me, until they don’t.
This had to of been the most difficult concepts for me to grasp. Men don’t leave you, only the wrong ones do. Retraining my brain to consider that thought, has been life-changing.
Poor Keith ….. I put his ass through it.
But he loved me through it.
It’s funny because my relationship history really reflects a ‘type’ lol. And Keith is not that ‘type’. Which made me question myself so much more.
But, I knew that veering off the beaten path, well, there may have been something to that because what I was doing definitely wasn’t working.
Oh, and might I add he came at a time I was done. Done with men, period. I decided I would mom until they all grew up and moved out, and then go travel the world with my friend.
I learned so much from all my relationships …. friendships, partners, family.
So many dynamics but again, the common denominator was and is, always me.
So, how do I wish to show up?
How do I wish to generate and give away my energy?
Who do I wish to share space and energy with?
Those are big questions. My mom used to say growing up, *“You are who you hang around.”
So, who do you wish to share space with in this lifetime?
That can only be answered to the depth in which you know, have healed and have accepted yourself.
What do you equate to love?
According to Gary Chapman’s book, the 5 Loves Languages, what makes you feel supported, heard, nurtured, valued and loved?
Words of Affirmation?
Acts of Service?
Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch
For the longest time all I knew, was I ‘just’ didn’t want someone to lie, cheat or abuse me as that was what I had become accustomed to tolerating and accepting.
I share that as a couple weeks back I was in my EMDR session and I realized, jeez …. those were my standards?
That was the ceiling I had set for myself?
My friends, I see you.
It takes a lot to rise up from the depth of deep sorrow, pain, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, narcissistic abuse, and so much more.
Feelings of defeat, unworthiness, feeling unlovable … the despair cannot be transcribed into words.
For those of you who have resonated with this so far, my heart is with you. We are one. We share the same breath. We feel to the same depth.
Now is your time to discover what it is that you need.
What love language above will support you to give yourself permission to feel, supported?
Love and nurture yourself?
Feel truly heard and valued for you?
Remember, the relationship you have with yourself, is the most important relationship you will ever have.
What are the consequences of not loving, you?
So, I leave you with this .... Fairytales do exist.
…. Just not in the way the movies portray. (IMO)
Go laugh, love and live. We only get this lifetime!
But, do …. take some time to self-reflect and own your part in the story.
And don’t go searching, you’ll likely end up with the exact thing the Universe tried to protect you from the fifteen times before. I speak from experience.
Take time to heal.
To self-reflect: What is your highest vision for your relationships?
This year is the year for you.
For you to further develop the love for the most important person in your life, YOU!
If you find yourself in my story and wish to deep dive, I have an 11-week program that will help you navigate the relationships you have had in your life and as the common denominator in them all, help you to discover your core beliefs and how you might self-sabotage, or even believe you are not worthy of your fairytale ending.
If you wish to look more into this, feel free to click on this link for more information:
Or, you are welcome to book a complimentary session here:
Warm wishes on your journey to self-discovery,
Candice